Estimated reading time: 9 minutes
I truly believe that in order to live your best and most authentic life, you need to be your best and most authentic self.
When I was younger the one piece of advice I heard often was ‘ Just be yourself’. I always thought that this was the worst advice because it was so self-explanatory.
But I didn’t realise how difficult it is to know who you truly are. And I definitely didn’t realise how easy it was to lose yourself.
In this Blog post I wanted to share my journey of rediscovering who I am and reclaiming the parts of me that I lost (trying to fit in). I hope that my experience will be helpful to you and I hope that you take something from this away with you.
I also hope you enjoy the random pictures that I took on my recent hike. They are a bit random but I hope it makes the long texts easier to digest. (P.S. it’s all nature). I also added quotes from some of my favourite books which helped me tremendously during this period of my life.
To be myself (I note) I need the illumination of other people’s eyes, and therefore cannot be entirely sure what is my self
– The waves by Virginia Woolf
My Story
When I was younger (10-16) I was really quiet and shy. I had very little friends and I struggled to fit in. Because of this I began changing myself to fit in. I began altering the way I acted to fit into people’s perceptions of me. I began changing my hobbies and interests to those of the people around me . And, I also began to loose the goofy and crazy parts of my personality too.
I always find it really interesting how aware children are when they are young. For me to notice that I didn’t necessarily fit in and try to adapt (at such a young age) is something I find both sad and interesting. I guess we often underestimate how observant children are.
As I began changing I noticed that I was making more friends. People were beginning to like me. But I didn’t like myself. In fact I was extremely insecure during this time.
I cannot pin-point the exact moment in my life where I had that light bulb moment and decided that I needed to change.
I guess I just grew tired of constantly trying to be somebody I wasn’t and keeping up with this image that I tried so hard to obtain.
The period of my life where I had experienced the most growth was my first year at university. Family problems alongside academic struggles really took a toll on me and before I knew it I was at a record low.
During this time I began asking myself the big questions in life. I started thinking about the purpose and meaning of life alongside who I was. And not knowing any of the answers put me into a state of existential frustration ( I literally got grey hair). So I began working towards finding these answers.
This was sort of the beginning of my Journey of rediscovering who I was and reclaiming my truest and most authentic self.
What I did to move towards a more authentic self
Before I start sharing what I did to rediscover who I was in order to become a more authentic version of myself I just wanted to add a quick note. There really is no miraculous fix or anything that will instantly help you in a day. For me this whole process was a journey, and not an easy one at that. But I don’t want to scare you away because rediscovering yourself after years of change is 100% possible. There just isn’t a quick way around it because unlearning certain habits can take a long time. The things I’m going to talk about are the small steps that I took towards this massive goal of rediscovering who I was.
One of the things that I did (which I mentioned in my post about redefining success) was simply look back upon the person I was when I was really young. When I didn’t care about what people thought of me. I remember that I loved reading, Art, animals and nature. So I started picking up these hobbies and indulging in these interests and realised my passions and interests really hadn’t changed. Deep down I was still that little girl who loved all of those things. I basically listened to my inner child and let her pick my hobbies and activities.
The next things I am about to mention are a little bit harder to adopt/practice and it will be something you will have to learn.
So the first thing I did was stop trying to impress other people. I stopped trying to prove my worth to people too. The root cause of why I was changing myself to fit in was because I was seeking external validation. So I dug out those roots and planted something new instead. I started working on self-validation and I started dedicating more time to work on myself and began building a healthier relationship with myself. I began journaling, I meditated, I exercised (okay truthfully this didn’t last long), I ate healthier and I dedicated more time for the things and people I love.
And then gradually the chains of other people’s judgements and expectations began to loosen. I was no longer being held heavily down by them. I stopped reacting to things based on how I thought other people wanted me to react. And, I stopped caring too much about what people (who didn’t truly know me) thought about me. I stopped caring about what other people thought of the things I did (unless it involved them). I no longer felt like I had to meet the expectations that other people had of me, especially if they weren’t things I wanted for myself.
Now readers, I don’t want to come of as self-centred and selfish. But, I think in order to live your best life you need to put yourself first alongside the people you love. If you don’t show up for yourself, how can you show up for other people?
One example I can think of relating to this was my career choice. When I first went to university I picked a degree that I thought would make my parents proud and me look a certain way. I wanted to appear smart (omg I’m so embarrassed) and cool. But the degree I chose wasn’t me. I had no real interest in it, I had just convinced myself I did. And when first year came I struggled immensely and ended up changing course to a subject I actually enjoyed, even though I’m not sure what career I’ll have at the end of it.
Learning to not care about what other people think is extremely hard and I admire anybody who is truly care-free. I don’t lie on this blog so will tell you truthfully that I am not 100% free from caring about what other people think nor do I think I ever will be. There are people whose opinions I care about (e.g. my parents). And I don’t think that is necessarily bad, it’s normal. But I have come a huge way in terms of not caring about what peers and other family think. Everyone is on their own journey and I think this world could do a lot with being less judgemental.
The next thing I did was something that I didn’t even realise was helping me until I reflected on it. I started spending more time alone. I think you are truly yourself when you are alone. There is no pressure to be anything other than who you are. You just get to be you. When I was at University I spent so much time alone. At first I hated it, I felt so lonely and was considering coming back home. But then, gradually, I began loving it. Even now, I would rather prefer to be alone than with a room filled with people.
The more time I spent alone with myself, the more I learnt about myself. As mentioned before I began indulging in self care and started to learn how to love who I was. Not only did this alone time really help me understand who I was but it afforded me the luxury of time, which I used to think deeply about my life.
I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself.
– Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
To truly love yourself for who you are, it’s imperative to love both the ugly and beautiful sides of you. Nobody is perfect and I think the highest form of self-love is self-acceptance and self-respect. To truly love someone else is to love them with all their flaws and the same applies with loving yourself. From experience, it’s a really uncomfortable experience and I ended up hating myself before I loved myself.
Another thing I did that may sound really silly is I made a bunch of lists. Before, when people would ask me what my favourite anything was I would have no idea. My favourite thing was everybody else’s favourite thing. I didn’t really know what I truly liked and disliked. So I made a list. I wrote a list of things I disliked and liked from the top of my head and added to it as I went along. It was filled with random things like favourite colours, ice-cream, books etc.
This next list that I made was probably the most life changing (very dramatic I know) and beneficial one for me and that was a list of all my values and morals. What is it that I stood for? What was important to me? Knowing what your values are and engraving them into your heart and mind makes them so much easier to stick to. I also think values that come from the heart are a lot more easier to adhere to. The best thing that you can do for yourself is to know your values and stick to them. To me that is the true essence of what being yourself is. Being your true self requires you to be true to yourself.
Laws and principles are not for the times when there is no temptation…
– Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
Conclusion
This topic is one that is really close to my heart and I really hope that you enjoyed this weeks blog post.
I would love to hear any comments that you have regarding anything relating to this whether its your own experience or your opinions on this post. I’d love to read them!
With that being said have a lovely week!