Estimated reading time: 5 minutes
Introduction
Throughout life we encounter a plethora of people. Sometimes there are people in our lives who we have such high expectations for. When these people do not meet these expectations we feel the responsibility to help them change in order to meet these expectations. But I’ve come to realise that people do not change unless they want to. To put it more simply, You cannot change a person.
One of the main reasons I believe we get hurt by people is because they don’t meet the expectations that we set out for them. But in all honesty if people do not meet your expectations and you are unwilling to lower them, it is probably best to distance yourself.
I understand how much inner conflict can arise over these situations. It’s specifically hurtful when the expectations you have for a person are the bare minimum you would expect from anyone. But sometimes when it feels like you are asking for the smallest things, to someone else you could be asking for the whole world.
When people would share advice like ‘you cannot change them’ I always thought it adhered to romantic relationships. But I’ve realised this is not the case. Whether it is friendships or familial relationships the same advice is applicable.
Everybody is on their own journey and whilst we can inform and motivate them, it is not our responsibility to change their lives. We need to give people the space to learn things for themselves. A lot of people learn best through their own experiences. And even though it may feel like your doing good it may not be received in the same way you want it to be.
I wanted to write this post covering everything I have learnt regarding this particular topic. I know that this is something a lot of people can relate too and so I hope I can deliver my message well.
People can only enforce change on themselves.
I am a firm believer that people only change when they actually want to. They can only enforce change upon themselves. Nobody can be responsible for anybody’s change but their own. And this doesn’t necessarily have to be applied to a negative context, after all there are many positive changes that people can adopt. But my point is that only you can be accountable for the changes to yourself. And the same thing goes for other people; only they can be accountable for the changes that they adopt.
Now there may be people who totally disagree with this and that is totally cool. I feel like a popular argument will be that some people don’t even realise that they are changing or need to change. But I still feel like its their own responsibility to identify this. Everybody is accountable for their actions. And I understand that there are extenuating circumstances that can cause people to change, but it is no good trying to change them yourself. They will only change when they want to or when they realise they have to.
There are people in my own life who I wished would change. But the harsh truth is they probably won’t, at least not for me. And that okay, but people need to realise that they cannot change a person. People only enforce changes upon themselves. You just need to accept them as they are.
This doesn’t have to be a negative thing
As mentioned before this can be applied to many positive contexts too. For example, if you take the initiative to be calmer and start doing more mindfulness activities, you are accountable for that positive change in your life. And for that you should be proud of yourself. A lot of the time people don’t give themselves enough credit for the positive changes they implement into their lives. We praise other people for helping us, but forget to praise ourselves.
I see this a lot in the self-help industry. People thank these people for helping them change their lives without realising its themselves who have changed their lives. Yes, these people may have motivated them but no matter how much information you receive about how to live a better a life, it is you who is accountable for the changes you see. So, people should start thanking themselves more often!
That kind of leads me onto my next point; You can only encourage and motivate them.
All you can do is encourage and motivate them to change
Actively forcing someone to change, will never be received in a positive way. Even when you feel like your intentions are good, it may not be received in the same way. So, take a step back and see what the situation looks like from their perspective. I also feel like some people are not the best at handling criticism, so take that into account as well.
A lot of people are so hopeful that other people will change that the future version of them is enough to settle with the present version of them. Even when that present version of them hurts them. I myself have been in the same position. But it’s so important to realise that, whilst people do change, it is up to them to make those changes for themselves. You cannot rely on other people changing in order to change your life.
I hope you guys enjoyed this weeks blog post. I’d love to hear any of your own views on this topic. I am always trying to promote critical thinking on my blog and would love to read your opinions even if they are contrary to what I think. Feel free to comment them below!